Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy

Monday, February 15, 2016

Adulting

We all wanted to believe that even on the bridge separating child and adult, we would never have to

cross. 

But soon you'll be paying bills and cooking your meals and doing what people have always done, and

you won't even have time to care because you'll be too busy to feel anything.

And it's ok.





It happens to the best of us.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Missing Home

I visited home today. I didn't cry once. I was so proud of myself.
But then I got home. And my dad had posted a blogpost about how I, his youngest daughter, had left home.
And I cried.

#onemonth

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

It Goes On

Life goes on. It goes on after the goodbyes. After things are forgotten. It goes on after heartbreaks.
It goes on after life changing high moments and after life changing low moments.
Life goes on after the perfect day.
It goes on after the fireworks. It goes on after people leave. It goes on after people cry.
It goes on after the vacation. After everything has been packed away.
Life goes on when you don't think you can go on and life goes on when you'd give anything to stay in a perfect moment.
Life just keeps going. Two weeks ago I was in New York City on a subway to the airport and one week ago I was laughing with my cousin in the dead of night on a cruise just outside Barcelona.
I truly believe in magic. Because there is magic in Venice and there is magic at night in Rome and there is magic in the Italian countryside that is easiest to see when eating a nutella croissant outside a crumbling castle.
I started my trip excited because I was sure that I fall in love with places instead of people and I couldn't wait to find new places to love.
But I think that I grow to love places and people, and I fall in love with moments.
It's the next day and life is moving on.
No, it's not moving on.
It's moved on.
Because a week ago the cruise was almost over and two weeks ago I was remembering subway rides on choir tour and thinking about how life had moved on from that.
I fell in love with many moments.
Life is the true heartbreaker. It keeps me away from the moments I've fallen in love with.
In a week I'll have gotten back to my work routine and I'll have unpacked my bags and life will have gone on.
It'll go on in two months when my room is packed up and I've officially gone on my way to college.
It'll go on next Christmas when I go on another trip and fall in love with all new moments.
It'll go on in two years when I've fallen in love with so many new moments and my trip this month is just a memory that occasionally pops up and I think, oh that was a good trip.
It'll go on in five years and in ten and one day maybe I'll go back with my husband and I'll have forgotten most things about it.
I'll think I was silly for wishing I could stay in the moment.
When I'm 80 and telling my grandchildren about my life I wonder if my trip to Italy when I was 18 will even pop up. Maybe I'll change the story so I was the one who fell in love with a Russian boy named Leo, not my cousin, and I'll probably forget I ever even went to Switzerland.
I'm sorry because this probably seems dumb, because this was just another trip and we've all been on trips before.
But I don't want to forget it.
Life will go on and I will forget and I will fall in love with new moments and forget those and life will keep going on and mine will just be an accumulation of all the forgotten moments.

I know this will happen. Because there is always one guarantee. That life will go on.


Thursday, May 21, 2015

#REALtalk to my heart

I feel like no matter how hard I try this won't be real.
I'm trying so hard to be real that I feal 100% fake.

You want the real, honest truth?
Then I'm sorry because you'll have to look into my heart and my words only connect to my brain.
What I write and what I say and what I sing and even what I pray, it all just connects to my brain.

It all just connects to my brain.

You wanna know how to get to my heart?
Well good luck with that because not even I know.

I want to say I locked it away when I was five but I have got to stop blaming everything on some poor little innocent girl
who knew nothing.

Well now I'm 18 and I'll be leaving and taking my heart with me.
The skies ahead are clear and blue but I'm sure there are clouds coming.

I'll even welcome the storm clouds
because sometimes I mistake thunder for a heartbeat.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Lullaby

15 Years Ago

"Give said the little stream, 
Give oh give, give oh give. 
Give said the little stream, as it hurried down the hill. 
I'm small I know but wherever I go, 
The grass grows greener still."

He sang to me, hovering over my bed as the light faded. All I wanted was to be older so I could go to bed after it was dark. But despite hating my bedtime, my eyes slowly drooped to the sound of his soft voice.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

HALLELUJAH

I've written about what I was going to do when I was done with Calculus before. I said I was going to laugh and dance and celebrate. And it's true. That's what I did today. It was the best feeling.

But it took quite a journey to get there. And I don't think I expected it to go quite like it did.

I actually had been planning on getting better grades. I hadn't been planning on not getting the high Regent's. I had been planning on being prepared enough to feel like I had a chance at passing the test.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out like that.

I tried and tried but when April hit I just couldn't try any longer.
I could have tried harder.
I didn't.
I deserve what I get.
I got what was coming to me all year. All of high school.
It still hurt. A lot.
Things got way too dark and maybe I'm just weak but there were way more tears than correctly answered problems near the end.
I know it's not supposed to work like that. I gave up. Then someone said something, or did something, and I could keep trying.
So I did.
But it wasn't enough.
There was always more I should have done but I never did it because I couldn't keep going at full pace any longer.
Like I said, maybe I'm weak.

So when I walked out of the test today, knowing I didn't pass and I didn't get Regent's, I didn't think about the things the class cost me. Or how for the past month I've only said rude words to my family because I only see them at the end of long hard days. Or the times I just sat and cried because somewhere between calculus and a million other things senior year destroyed me physically and emotionally.
I thought, it's over. The journey is finished. Everyone was cheering and people were clapping, and I know they were there the whole time but seeing them there at the end made me happy that it was over, even if I didn't get where I wanted. The burden that I had forgotten what it was like to live without was gone.
A week ago I honestly didn't believe it was ever going to end.
Saturday night I was sure I couldn't do it.
I did it.
It's over.

If I could go back in time and tell myself not to take Calculus, I probably would. But then I have to remind myself.
It wasn't all for nothing.
I think a few years down the road I might look at it as a big part of who I am. I think that even though it might not seem like it was worth it, it was because I'm so much better prepared for college. Because there were times when I really did give it my all and that is what matters. Because I met a lot of awesome people when I stayed after. Because God has a plan for everyone and I think that this was definitely meant to be in the plan for me.

Things I learned because of Calculus
How to take derivatives
How to do u-substitution (I finally got that down last week and honestly it is so fun to do now)
A little more effort can go a long way
People care
It's ok to fail sometimes
You have to keep going at things
All about f and f' and f''
It is necessary to eat food to have brain power
Being productive feels really good and is really worth it
When all seems lost, don't lose hope
Sleep is important
Sometimes you have to sacrifice and sometimes it is worth it

And finally, I saw what it looks like to truly give 100%.
I don't think there ever was a teacher that cared more for his students or put in more effort to help them.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

My heart

               badump. badump. badump.

Once for the music, once for family, and once for God.

But three beats won't last a lifetime.

Add in some friends, some plans for the future. Add in a trip that will never be forgotten.

               badump. badump. badump.

Add in goodbyes and the tears that come with them. Add in beginnings and the hope of fresh starts.

               badump. badump.

Add in all that you want and take what you must but my heart beats blood.
And through my blood runs love.


There might not be enough beats to last a whole lifetime but the blood that runs through my heart carries love
and there is enough love to last forever.